Desiring Freedom

I have noticed something alarming recently. . . life doesn't work out the way I want it to. 


I have faced things in my life; depression, divorce, bankruptcy, a child diagnosed with special needs. I have faced walking into closed doors at work. I have been reliant on the generous support of others. I have lacked the ability to care for myself. I have been my worst enemy. I have survived my greatest fear.

I know we all go through stuff. I am not comparing stories or heartbreak here. I am simply relaying some of the circumstances of my life to create context.

A life lived is full of experiences; some we relish, some we repel, some we enjoy, some we despise. 

I am noticing how much I have to let go of in this life. There are things I want. I have desires. I have dreams. And every time I have one of these desires it seems my mind creates a map of how I can reach that goal. I think how can I get that job, publish that book, meet that man and I work towards that end. 

Thing is, no matter how I envision it, my life never works out as planned, making life both a great adventure and a pain in the ass at the same time. 

I keep having to let go. Well. I guess I don't have to let go. I choose to.

To be free, I have to let go of my expectations. 

I want freedom.

To be free I have to acknowledge the reality that my expectation wasn't met. I have to acknowledge that the opportunity did not pan out; the job, the relationship, the date.

It sucks.

Yet, it is a gift. 

I know this life is not up to me. I don't know best. I have a limited vision.

I limit the possibilities of my own experience based on my beliefs. I know there are greater powers at work and I have to let that lead me.

I don't just let go of expectations and outcomes I let them be. I let myself open to the possibility that my desires can be met in ways I can't fathom, in ways that can only be shown to me through my experience. 

Yet, it hurts everytime a date doesn't turn into anything more than a date. I let it sting. I notice my loneliness. I feel my emptiness. I face my fear, again and again. 

I have no idea what will come to me. I simply hold a vision of what I want. 

And I allow life to pass through. 

I guess that is the closest thing to freedom I know.

Pass on through. Let it go and let it be, just as it is and just as it isn't.